Not The World We Had in Mind

Gravel crunched loudly beneath my feet as I struggled to keep up with your long gait trudging uphill in the sweltering heat. There was nothing but relentless greenery as far as the eye could see except for the earthy tones of the fragile trail we were following. I could see beads of sweat traveling down your nape drenching your oversized black shirt. I grudgingly wondered why you chose the color black for a hot day in the sun. Even your hat, which covered your head was black. I almost ran into your back as you suddenly came to a halt. You didn't turn around. You didn't say anything. You just stared up at something I couldn't see yet forcing me to peek over your motionless body.

Before us was the reason why we hiked this godforsaken mountain in the middle of nowhere. The waterfall! In the clearing before us it flowed down as though mocking us. It wasn't the majestic gushing of water you promised me. Before us was something skeletal that once boasted glory. Just a trickle of water spilling downstream almost lethargically getting bruised by the many boulders on its way down.

I took two steps forward so we stand abreast and stared at the disappointing sight in front of us while panting, trying to catch my breath.

"This is disappointing." You murmured, the bitterness in your voice tangible. I wanted to agree but I held back my tongue as I sat down on a nearby boulder silently cursing you for this pointless journey we both chose to take only god knows when. I didn't understand why I felt so tired.

You flopped on to the boulder next to me still staring at the waterfall as if willing it to turn back to its former self. We sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before you said "I am scared."

All of a sudden the sound of water hitting the rocks below as it met the laughable pool it accumulated into before flowing down was almost deafening. I almost wanted to believe you said something else though I knew I heard you right. I wanted to blame the water. I wanted to pretend you didn't say it.

"Scared of what?" I asked you still staring ahead. It was as though we were both mesmerized and surprised by the disappointing sight before us.

"I am scared of losing everything." You whispered finally turning around to look me in the eyes. All this time we were trekking uphill I didn't realize you had your black face mask on. I could only see your emotionless eyes as they drilled holes into the depth of my soul. I reached out to take it off but you leaned away from my touch removing it yourself revealing pursed lips that lights up your entire face when you smile. I wished you'd smile but you didn't. You just stared.

"You've grown up and you've changed." You murmured again, though there was no taking stock of my body or any relatable reaction to those words. I stared down at myself. All of a sudden I wondered why I have chosen such revealing clothes to wear which blatantly displayed all the red patches and bruises that covered my body. I was furious. At myself. At you. At everything.

"And who's fault is that you moron?" I spat back venomously though deep down I knew it wasn't something neither of us had any control over. I was bitter and frustrated for a reason I couldn't fathom.

Then you laughed out loud, its sound reverberating on the large boulders that surrounded us. Such a heavenly sound. Such a mocking sound.

"It's going to end soon." You said abruptly returning to your emotionless state. There was no lie behind your voice. I knew this was true even as you said it. Then a flicker of emotion crossed your glittering dark brown eyes before it frittered away, too fast for me to comprehend.

"Call me tiger." You leaned in whispering, your voice almost inaudible. I was taken aback because I haven't used that endearment in years. I had almost forgotten that's what I used to call you when we were just kids.

I opened my mouth to reply but it started to rain. The blue skies above a few minutes earlier was heavy with dark clouds, it's belly grumbling with thunder.The first rain drop to hit my cheek sent me into a frenzy. It burned its way down my flesh making me yell with agony. Amidst the guttural screams that escaped my lips as I futilely attempted to cover myself with my hands I realized it was raining acid, each drop melting away my fragile skin.

Through blurred vision as I squirmed on the ground in depthless anguish I could see the rain had no effect on you and I wanted to feel glad that you were protected until I saw it wasn't rain drops flowing down your cheeks. You were crying. Your shoulders shook with silent sobs as you watched me helplessly, writhing on the ground.

Even through throes of pain I knew I was the reason why you were crying. Though it was almost impossible to endure dolor of acid burning away flesh I stopped screaming. I stopped writhing. I stared at your gleaming beautiful eyes as the acid burned me away bit by bit trying to remember your beautiful face before the entire world became black.

I was at peace......







Nowhere Haven

Soft murmurs, shy smiles, playful nudges,
Stolen glances and chaste kisses
In our nowhere haven away from world
Until the candles burn down

Hitched breaths, gasps, whispers, giggles
Your name on my lips like a prayer
Looking up at stars, floating away
Until the sun come to take you back

Flames crackling, waves crashing
Clasped fingers, silky sheets tangled
Lost in each other sorrows forgotten
Till the first light appears and you disappear....

You

An illusion you are, came to mock me
To ruin a lonely broken existence
Cruel you are, showing me what I cannot have
Vanishing in an instance
A drug you are, that I cannot live without
I gulp you down no hesitance
A hope you are, glimmering in the darkness
In a boneyard of forgotten remnants
A shadow you are, becoming one with night
Never near, demanding submission
I need you, I hate you, my lover, my enemy
You are....

Resolutions that Die in Secret

The only resolution that I intend to make in 2019 is not to have any resolutions because I am not good at keeping them. AT ALL! Therefore resolutions and I have come to terms that neither of us will try to work on things that will never see the light of day.

2018 flew by in such a flurry, I still cannot believe it is over. Life has become stagnant and routine, even the most adrenaline inducing adventures I embark on has become rather dull. I understand it is because of who I am and what my brain does but sometimes I really do wish I could be like everyone else. Though I feel blessed to be born with such high brain function most of the time, I cannot deny sometimes I yearn to see the world like any other ordinary girl. I wish emotions would come easily and I do not have to pretend to have them whenever I am with the outside world. Am I broken or whole? I do not know.


Losing is Easy!!!


Losing will to live is easy. Losing will to do anything is easy. Losing IS easy.... What is difficult is fighting on.. BUT shouldn't there a good enough reason to keep the fight going? Otherwise, what is the whole point?

Unwelcome Stranger



The day you came was red
The days you stayed were red
The day you left was red
Everything after is red, red and red
Broken, lost words, hurt, red
You were red and you left me red
As all I do is red, all I hear is red, all I see is red
I wish to go just like you
Dressed in red, bathed in red
And breathless lying in red............

What We Leave Behind

Legacy, the very thing we all strive to leave behind when we go back to nothingness. The very thing that drives us into achievements hence inevitably into failure and heartbreak. It is surreal  to understand that once I am gone I will be remembered only by a very few people. The whole concept of existence is absurd. If only a handful in billions get to change the world, what is the point of the majority being here to be handled like cattle?