Am I really doing this? Damn right, I am! After almost two years of radio silence, I find reviving my dying blog is not an easy endeavor. Mainly because I have so much to say and nothing to say. I am rather conflicted. Is it worthwhile to even try? Or should I watch my legacy waste away to nothing right before my eyes? I honestly don't know. I guess time will tell.
However, I feel it is important that I record a few things that took place in my life within the time period I was away from writing. Very recently I lost my beloved grandmother who was my last link to my extended family chain. Even for an emotionally stunned woman such as I, closing her chapter was full of inner turmoil, given she was a cornerstone of my very existence. She always evoked such emotions in me, I could not fathom to have taken roots in my soul. Every tear she shed, every lighthearted conversation held, meant she was leaving a part of herself behind with me and I am not sure I will ever be able to erase those out of my brain.
If I were to synopsize her time on earth into one paragraph it would go like this.
"A young girl with so many naive dreams of a prince charming, whose dreams were squashed by etiquette and duty. Disappointed with whom came out of her loins and the seed that planted them within. Nevertheless, used her benevolence to ensure the wellbeing of her offsprings and offsprings of offsprings."
I wish her energy signature or soul as they call it find peace with its unattached bliss because she has done enough to deserve it. She dreamed, she tried, she created, she lied, she cheated, she loved, she lived. So ends the story of the princess, a direct translation of her name who became a queen. THE QUEEN! Long may she reign in afterlife!
I, also, would like to address the fact of breaking away from the family pack. Not the immediate family but the extended. While I was a continent away two years back, I mulled over a few things which bothered me for a very long time. The main thing being whether I needed to be a part of that rat race and the second being whether it was love and unity as a family that drove us or just sheer competition and the craving to shine over. I believe I don't have to enlighten you with my decision as it is right there for all the world to see, naked with no real hesitation of modesty in its all honesty.
People perceive me as kind and empathetic so sometimes my actions shock others. They may seem abrupt and impulsive but they are not. Those decisions are painstakingly deliberate. To be truthful, I am not kind or empathetic. I don't do the things I do because I want to stand out or for the approval of others. I do things because I feel it is the right thing to do. I am brutally blunt to the point where my words frequently hurt. However, despite their rawness I speak the truth, even about myself. I understand my flaws and accepting my inner demons comes very easy to me. I don't pretend to be something I am not. My way of thinking and the way I see the world is controversial and I understand that. The terminology for my state of mind is radical. I believe in the core of my existence that is what makes me human, more or less.
It is easy to love. It is easy to hate. It is easy to let love drive you. It is easy to let hatred drive you. What is difficult is being indifferent. What is difficult is accepting indifference as the partner you choose to spend the rest of your life with.
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