Legacy, the very thing we all strive to leave behind when we go back to nothingness. The very thing that drives us into achievements hence inevitably into failure and heartbreak. It is surreal to understand that once I am gone I will be remembered only by a very few people. The whole concept of existence is absurd. If only a handful in billions get to change the world, what is the point of the majority being here to be handled like cattle?
You Will Not Have My Hate
It is easy being hateful. It is easy being forgiving. What is difficult is being indifferent.
EmptyFULL Larder
Am I really doing this? Damn right, I am! After almost two years of radio silence, I find reviving my dying blog is not an easy endeavor. Mainly because I have so much to say and nothing to say. I am rather conflicted. Is it worthwhile to even try? Or should I watch my legacy waste away to nothing right before my eyes? I honestly don't know. I guess time will tell.
However, I feel it is important that I record a few things that took place in my life within the time period I was away from writing. Very recently I lost my beloved grandmother who was my last link to my extended family chain. Even for an emotionally stunned woman such as I, closing her chapter was full of inner turmoil, given she was a cornerstone of my very existence. She always evoked such emotions in me, I could not fathom to have taken roots in my soul. Every tear she shed, every lighthearted conversation held, meant she was leaving a part of herself behind with me and I am not sure I will ever be able to erase those out of my brain.
If I were to synopsize her time on earth into one paragraph it would go like this.
"A young girl with so many naive dreams of a prince charming, whose dreams were squashed by etiquette and duty. Disappointed with whom came out of her loins and the seed that planted them within. Nevertheless, used her benevolence to ensure the wellbeing of her offsprings and offsprings of offsprings."
I wish her energy signature or soul as they call it find peace with its unattached bliss because she has done enough to deserve it. She dreamed, she tried, she created, she lied, she cheated, she loved, she lived. So ends the story of the princess, a direct translation of her name who became a queen. THE QUEEN! Long may she reign in afterlife!
I, also, would like to address the fact of breaking away from the family pack. Not the immediate family but the extended. While I was a continent away two years back, I mulled over a few things which bothered me for a very long time. The main thing being whether I needed to be a part of that rat race and the second being whether it was love and unity as a family that drove us or just sheer competition and the craving to shine over. I believe I don't have to enlighten you with my decision as it is right there for all the world to see, naked with no real hesitation of modesty in its all honesty.
People perceive me as kind and empathetic so sometimes my actions shock others. They may seem abrupt and impulsive but they are not. Those decisions are painstakingly deliberate. To be truthful, I am not kind or empathetic. I don't do the things I do because I want to stand out or for the approval of others. I do things because I feel it is the right thing to do. I am brutally blunt to the point where my words frequently hurt. However, despite their rawness I speak the truth, even about myself. I understand my flaws and accepting my inner demons comes very easy to me. I don't pretend to be something I am not. My way of thinking and the way I see the world is controversial and I understand that. The terminology for my state of mind is radical. I believe in the core of my existence that is what makes me human, more or less.
It is easy to love. It is easy to hate. It is easy to let love drive you. It is easy to let hatred drive you. What is difficult is being indifferent. What is difficult is accepting indifference as the partner you choose to spend the rest of your life with.
YOLO
You Live Only Once! Ah only if that were true. How many times have I died and brought back to life? Well I have lost count. You wouldn't believe how many battle scars I bear on my fragile skin. Oh that doesnt mean I have begun to get bored. I am every bit as enthused as I was at the beginning no matter how bloody I am at this point... like Katy Perry says.. I am a champion and you re gonna hear me ROAR!
End is nigh..
If u r wondering why my posts are becoming morbid by the minute, it is because I am losing faith with each ticking second.
It is time to close my eyes and never wake up. Time to sleep the last sleep. Time to be selfish for once. They will be alright. Thank you for letting me be a survivor but I think I have proved my point. It is time for me to go now. I am tired. So very tired.
Run delilah run!
I feel like I M in one of those games where the screen moves and I have to race to keep up. At least in the game I could hit pause or when I die I will be given extra lives. Only if that can be applied to real life. I am certain that I would have exhausted my extra lives by now..
Trying to catch the last ray of light
If Nero could play his harp while all rome burnt down, why can't we just ignore all our problems and enjoy the last few hours we can breath freely before all hell breaks lose? Is there really any point worrying? Eventually it will be the same pit of misery no matter what we do.
It's not a nice feeling. It is just knowing eventuality is inevitable. We face it in the battlefield nevertheless even when we know the rays of light we see now are going to be the last.
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